I think I am having an identity crisis. Not only am I a strange mix of student and teacher that leaves me giving more questions than answers (I thought teachers were supposed to know the answers) but my name is under serious attack.
When I was born in the late eighties my parents loving named me Janalin Rae Johns. It sounded so simple and nice to them. However, it wasn’t long before my name started its life mission of embarrassing a large percentage of my casual acquaintances. My name absolutely loves to run away from the memories of people. As a coping mechanism these unfortunate individuals either avoided me or used a pseudonym. Common pseudonyms include Jana (reserved for family and close friends), Jan (not my favorite), Jenny, Jackie (I don’t get it either), Janni, Janilu, umm you, teacher, uh, etc. This is not to mention my numerous nicknames which I will not propagate by posting on the web. I am used to trouble with my first name.
This time however, it is my last name. (Well my first name too, especially the spelling) My last name is one easy syllable. John only there are four of us so it’s Johns. What’s so hard about that? Then, to be proper and respectful, I call myself Miss Johns around my grade school students. That’s easy, Miss is for unmarried females like me, Johns is my last name, no stress right? Wrong. In the last twenty four hours I have been called Miss J. . . uhm, Miss new Teacher, Miss Jan. . . uh Johns, Miss John and probably other things which I have forgotten. I admit, the switch from Janalin to Miss Johns is hard for me too. Even with the Miss Janalin phase in between. I choked on it several times in the last two days.
The one that really makes me laugh though is Mrs. Johns. Umm. . . that’s my mom. I have a theory. Somewhere in past the southern value system of respect for elders got into a fight with the southern drawl. This left sweet little southern kids calling someone else’s mama Miz Lee and their unmarried teachers Miz Dixie. This of course makes my dear mother who has been married for 27 years a Miz right along with the rest of us. That troubling “r” in” Mrs.” left the poor kids dreadfully perplexed and the whole region has never recovered. In an attempt to be sophisticated some attempted to put an “us” on the end (which is what the teacher said the “r” stood for) when addressing a woman, but have no idea whether it applies to single or to married women. I have been called Mrs. so many times since moving to the south. I just laugh and figure I might as well get used to it.
So who am I? The kids and I are still trying to figure that out. Am I a Miss or a Mrs.? (that one at least I can answer J) Am I mean or nice? Will I let them get away with goofing off or will I stop them? Am I a good teacher or an average teacher? Am I friendly or shy? Perhaps both? Am I uncaring and “too busy” like so many adults in this world or do I care? Does my life measure up to the standard I claim or am I a hypocrite? Who am I?
Jacob was called by his name “supplanter” as an indication of his character. After his night of wrestling with the angel and his conversion experience his received a new name “Israel” a prevailing prince of God. God had made him that and called him by a name. A new name for a new identity. I am reminded of Isaiah 43:1 “Fear not for I have redeemed thee, I have called thee by thy name, thou art Mine.”
God not only knows who I am but He knows who He makes me. He has promised me a new name. “Thou shalt no more be termed Forsaken; neither shall thy land any more be termed Desolate: but thou shalt be called Hephzibah, and thy land Beulah: for the LORD delighteth in thee, and thy land shall be married. For [as] a young man marrieth a virgin, [so] shall thy sons marry thee: and [as] the bridegroom rejoiceth over the bride, [so] shall thy God rejoice over thee.” Isaiah 62: 4, 5. I want to be known as the one who draws her identity from God. Not from my job, much as I love it, not from other people, not from my beliefs or ideologies, but from God. Who am I? I am the girl that Jesus left heaven for. I am the one who has been forgiven much and should love much. I am the one who wishes to stand on Mount Zion with the hundred and forty and four thousand, having His father’s name written in their foreheads.
I hope my students come to meet Him. Who I am really isn’t important as long as I am in Him. I hope they will come to know Him as never before. As their source of identity. Their all in all. Their life and love.
“And I will write upon him my new name.” Revelation 3:14
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